a very rambling post about my failure as the good faerie
Posted on Apr 30th, 2008
by 
tinkonthebrink
tinkonthebrink
No QaR today, so I'm going to take advantage and ramble on and on about my life and the past week's experiences. I apologize to the people I've already talked with about all this stuff, just skip this post entirely so I don't bore you into a comatose state.
So. Yesterday was SuperKid's birthday so he and the gf (also super) came up from Atlanta over the weekend and that's always a good time. To those of you who have kids living with you, I just want you all to know that at some point the thought of seeing this person you see every day will fill you with happiness and excitement and be a big event...I think I pretty much felt that way every day that I was living with him anyway, but it's still a bigger deal now. Super gf takes photos like mad and swears she will send them to me, so photos to follow then. Her camera is much much nicer than mine. I covet her camera.
Then Monday I found out that the mom of one of my clients is in the hospital with some kind of heart issue. This is a family I'm very close to, have known for a couple of years, love in spite of the fact that that's probably a poor therapeutic boundary on my part...yesterday found that mom has tumors in her heart and chest and that would be the heart problem. Not good. Very not good all around. Today is this client's birthday and Krissy and I are trying to take her out to lunch so she has something besides sitting in the hospital for her day.
But before that I found out that the (single) mom of a former client, actually the first person I worked with in this field, had a stroke over the weekend. Also a very not good situation.
Monday I went to an interrogation, I mean meeting, in a city a couple of hours from here for the company I work through, for an accreditation review. It ended up going very smoothly but it was a long day and by the end of the day I wanted to chop my left leg off with a chain saw. Or a butter knife would have done.
Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment and I'm going to have surgery on May 8th to fix the craziness with my left knee. I wanted to avoid that but I want also to have this be okay and go back to normal life or my equivalent of that, and I completely trust and adore this doc. So when he said, "you can leave it alone and it probably won't get worse, but it probably isn't going to get any better than this" I was sold. Better than this is very desirable. So I'm going ahead with it and I'm happy with that decision but also a little distraught because that's what I do with medical stuff. I get uncomfortable. I don't believe that's irrational, but since I've made the decision I wish I could shut down the red alert that I've got going on. Sometimes I just want to slap myself upside the head but I always duck since I know what's coming.
Then (and I debated not posting this part, but it's too perfect) I came back from my doc appointment yesterday and I have an email from someone here at Gaia, informing me that I'm fired as a friend because I didn't respond fast enough to an email from them. The neglected email was posted at 1:24pm, the notice of my failure at 7:31am. Because really, I have nothing else going on in my life. Oh, and this was the original email, that I was so slack in responding to: "Let down you (sic) hair How is the direction seeking going?" God, I don't know why I didn't jump right on that. Now here's the best part, this was my dismissal notice: "Just removed you from my friend list. I take your ignoring me as a sign of your hostility." Ok, that's funny stuff. The funniest part is that it actually bothers me, which is completely on me. I know, absolutely know, that the intertubes are full of wackos, and it isn't like I'm suffering from this loss or something. But what got me was that my being in the middle of so many things right now might be making people feel that I'm not giving them enough, maybe even people who aren't so crazy. So I just want to tell all of you, anyone who takes the time to read my rambling on and on words, that I appreciate all of you so much. And if you email me I wil eventually answer, but I might not be all that prompt because I'm just not a very nice person. I'm okay with that if you are.
So. Yesterday was SuperKid's birthday so he and the gf (also super) came up from Atlanta over the weekend and that's always a good time. To those of you who have kids living with you, I just want you all to know that at some point the thought of seeing this person you see every day will fill you with happiness and excitement and be a big event...I think I pretty much felt that way every day that I was living with him anyway, but it's still a bigger deal now. Super gf takes photos like mad and swears she will send them to me, so photos to follow then. Her camera is much much nicer than mine. I covet her camera.
Then Monday I found out that the mom of one of my clients is in the hospital with some kind of heart issue. This is a family I'm very close to, have known for a couple of years, love in spite of the fact that that's probably a poor therapeutic boundary on my part...yesterday found that mom has tumors in her heart and chest and that would be the heart problem. Not good. Very not good all around. Today is this client's birthday and Krissy and I are trying to take her out to lunch so she has something besides sitting in the hospital for her day.
But before that I found out that the (single) mom of a former client, actually the first person I worked with in this field, had a stroke over the weekend. Also a very not good situation.
Monday I went to an interrogation, I mean meeting, in a city a couple of hours from here for the company I work through, for an accreditation review. It ended up going very smoothly but it was a long day and by the end of the day I wanted to chop my left leg off with a chain saw. Or a butter knife would have done.
Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment and I'm going to have surgery on May 8th to fix the craziness with my left knee. I wanted to avoid that but I want also to have this be okay and go back to normal life or my equivalent of that, and I completely trust and adore this doc. So when he said, "you can leave it alone and it probably won't get worse, but it probably isn't going to get any better than this" I was sold. Better than this is very desirable. So I'm going ahead with it and I'm happy with that decision but also a little distraught because that's what I do with medical stuff. I get uncomfortable. I don't believe that's irrational, but since I've made the decision I wish I could shut down the red alert that I've got going on. Sometimes I just want to slap myself upside the head but I always duck since I know what's coming.
Then (and I debated not posting this part, but it's too perfect) I came back from my doc appointment yesterday and I have an email from someone here at Gaia, informing me that I'm fired as a friend because I didn't respond fast enough to an email from them. The neglected email was posted at 1:24pm, the notice of my failure at 7:31am. Because really, I have nothing else going on in my life. Oh, and this was the original email, that I was so slack in responding to: "Let down you (sic) hair How is the direction seeking going?" God, I don't know why I didn't jump right on that. Now here's the best part, this was my dismissal notice: "Just removed you from my friend list. I take your ignoring me as a sign of your hostility." Ok, that's funny stuff. The funniest part is that it actually bothers me, which is completely on me. I know, absolutely know, that the intertubes are full of wackos, and it isn't like I'm suffering from this loss or something. But what got me was that my being in the middle of so many things right now might be making people feel that I'm not giving them enough, maybe even people who aren't so crazy. So I just want to tell all of you, anyone who takes the time to read my rambling on and on words, that I appreciate all of you so much. And if you email me I wil eventually answer, but I might not be all that prompt because I'm just not a very nice person. I'm okay with that if you are.
Access: Public
adrian
September 2008 
Is that a pic of the Origami Master? (: Wish him a Happy Birthday for me! You're as overly sensitive as I am, and I say that affectionately. As busy as you are with work, family, getting repairs, giving of your time, a genuine love and concern for others, you manage to still be very much involved with Gaia, more so than I can claim, and I am a stay at home mom with a lot more free time, and I don't always respond promptly, often after a few days or a week. If not responding within a few hours makes you hostile, I'm an evil ogre- grrrrr! We all have lives, some busier than others, aside from Gaia, and anyone worthy of being a friend would respect and honor that, without an explanation. I think the world of you.
I wish you a rapid recovery, and a pain-free knee (:
I think the world right back at ya.
Yes, that's the origami master. Does that make Chandini the orgami mistress? Cool.
I want to make her a name tag.
I like you just the way you are.
Jeezo, that was a KwAzY friend delete!
Just today my buddy Mikey_Dee blogged this….
those that matter don't mind, those that mind don't matter-
For the record, we appreciate you too and good luck with the knee.
XOX
I have spent long times imaging cutting off one of my legs and my knees are pretty much just fine. What a busy week flying every high and low. Can't wait to see GF's pictures! FF
Umm, Farland, why exactly are you spending so much time imagining cutting off your own legs? Do you need a new hobby? I have more endeavors than time for them and if you need I can donate some to you. Especially if it will keep you from disassembling your body. Just let me know.
Good question. I think I could do it and I've cut off so many legs of other things so I have all the anatomy and visuals right. There was this guy about ten years ago who was hiking and a boulder (scree field kind) rolled onto his leg and pinned him. He cut the leg off and crawled out to the road and then there was Aaron Ralston a local guy here who got his arm pinned in a canyon in Utah and did the same thing. The mind can do a lot of thinking on long car trips and no TV at home and winter getting dark at 4:30….And sometimes I feel like I am disintegrating that if I flung an apendage out it might someday in an extra hard fling go flying off. I have quite a few friends with missing body parts. I would only do it if I got trapped, not for “fun”. I often am in that nobody knows where I am situation where I need to take full responsibility.
Farland?
And why have you cut off so many legs of other things?
Does this have anything to do with why you have so many friends missing body parts?
Rapunzel of the beautiful hair, sounds like you're having an “overwhelmed by life” day. So many words of wisdom leap to mind but none that would feel as good and make as much sense as a good cuddle from Krissy, I imagine. I send all my happy May Day vibes down across the ol' Mason Dixon to you – the cardinal outside my window has agreed to transport them to your door. You've shown your strength so many times on these cyber pages, and your kindness – sounds like you're giving it out freely to all these folks in your life who need it without a second thought. They are lucky to have you. Maybe your forgot for a sec you had so much. When you see that again, you'll know it will carry you through your operation. You're so brave to face something that scares you, oh Rapunzel of the fiery hair and the fiery heart!
I was thinking after I posted that it would null any thoughts of a visit from you! Mostly they were road kill that I stripped to feed broken winged raptors a varied diet or fresher things for me and the dogs to eat. My friends got mixed up with tractors and trains and such. I worked with them in ski programs. With the 10,000 new amputees returning from Iraq I don't need to flail a knife at anyones arms or legs (unless they are trapped by a big boulder):-)
Oh no Farland, I will still visit. I might not sleep, but I would love to visit.
A friend of mine got mixed up with electical lines and is one leg shy of a full set now. The man I used to live with in california once told adrian and me that “everyone is afraid of amputees” and when we looked at him like that was crazy talk he insisted that we knew it was true. I think that was the true beginning of the end of us being together. Now every once in a while adrian and I have some reason to repeat that phrase and fall down on the floor laughing and it never makes any sense to anyone else.
Lil? Thank you so much. I’m really fine with all the things going on, with letting go and letting everything happen just the way it needs to, even if that’s sad or scary or over the top, but I have this bad-patient quality that I can’t quite squelch so that part of it, me having surgery, that’s a little crazy. It will be okay ultimately of course.
I have heard the words “Ms lindsay, get down from that chair” in the emergency room, I kid you not. I was fixing their curtains which were off their track. It was a totally nice gesture on my part and I got in trouble. Geez. I didn’t use the stool with wheels or anything.
I am the queen of denial and I turn into a total freak when I’m the patient. So this is not my best moment, but it’s what I need to do and it will be okay.
Yep, now I'm sure we're related!! It makes me proud!
J - Would you like me to email you a butter knife? There's a hospital near you advertising 'remote robotic surgery.' I think this qualifies. Okay, I'm posting this at 20:35 EDT Thursday and if you don't respond by 22:00 same day I'll…I'll…I'll assassinate a nearby potato farmer but if you respond before 22:30 I'll pee weird designs on your sidewalk. I will do this because I've read Krissy's blog and know it's possible. Oh wait, I think I've overlapped my times. Well, no matter because reality is conception…or something like that. Now don't ignore this non-baseline threat - I mean business!
F - Jeannie is familiar with null physics so I imagine a null thought of a visit would be similar to a non-null visit itself. And I hear ya on the tractor thing. I got mixed up with one years ago, but the relationship was doomed from the start and ended badly. I'm into combines now. Much more satisfying.
DLil - There's a cardinal outside your window? What's up with that? I mean, cardinals are OUR state bird, so please return to sender. Or is it the other kind? If it is, does the pope know?
And one last thing Jeannie: Adrian and Chandini look so damned HAPPY. What a wonderful look….;-)
Love you gais…Albert
Well then, okay, it's almost 23:00 and no quantum changes afoot. But I didn't have enough gas to get to your place and all the farmers are out of town so I just peed weird designs straight on to a potato. Now what do I do?
I am such a slacker. Now it's 02:20 and you'll just have to eat the potato. It's a new form of urine therapy.
Alternatively, you could cut the potato into a stamp and make tshilrts with your weird design, which I guess would make them pee shirts rather than t shirts. Hmm.
Kcidybom, the pope and i are not on speaking terms. it never occurred to me it might be because of the cardinal. i'll give that some thought but i'm really not inclined to give him back. i do so love a man dressed in red.
And that hat is just hot…
Jeannie - It is now 9 DAYS after you posted this and I'm just reading it now. Please, oh please, oh please do not take this as a sign of hositlity, because you are as dear to me as ever you were and as ever you may ever be.
one of the things I like about reading blogs later than everyone else is that I get to read all the comments too – all at once. bonus material! :-) and then– if my comment is any good I might rekindle the whole conversation– maybe it's like– conversation cpr? conversation resusitation?
today you are having knee surgery? and I am reading all your blogs from this until today's post.
and – you might not read this til after the surgery is over – but just in case — knee surgery with a fabulous surgeon and some pain drugs will be much, much easier than having farland cut off your leg for you in the desert and it will be much easier than using a butter knife and much less messy than a chain saw, plus… you will still be able to communicate with both of your feet without wireless technology. it'll be great. and I am sending you all my best wishes for healing – and i'm a really good wisher!
i'm trying to think of a joke because those reader's digest guys and some others too say that laughter is the best medicine….. hmmm. I'm not funny today. but I'll some post again when I am….. funny that is. :-)
oh yeah – and those who matter DON'T mind. it's true.
and I don't know anyone who is afraid of amputees – or noone who has told me they are afraid of amputees. that's weird.
xoxo
-d